Funny fishes

A lot of funny fishing accidents and funny fishes.

The Art of Artificial Insemination

By Steve Yeich

Recently, I read an article in the newspaper about a veterinarian who specializes in artificially inseminating animals. Naturally, as anyone would assume that means the semen has to be collected by someone as well. The vet just happened to be a woman...not that there is anything wrong with that (apologies to Seinfeld...yes, I know that doesn't make her gay, but, really, come on.)

Is it my imagination or wouldn't that just take a whole lot of fun out of for the animal? Just think, a race horse is put out to stud after making millions of dollars for his owners by winning races and this is his reward?? He's been bragging to his buddies at the local feeding trough about all the fillies he'll be bedding soon and then he sees a woman coming at him with a glove on...please tell me she wears a glove! I guess it could be a lot worse, he could see a proctologist coming towards him as he snaps on a rubber glove like I did for my last physical, but it still just doesn't seem fair to the horse. Plus, what is it liable to do to the horse's complexion? And what about blindness?!? This is getting less and less fair the more I think about it.

The article said it is safer for the animals this way because it prevents injuries to the female...all the wild animal sex, I guess. But that was probably why the horse worked so hard to win all those races in the first place, so he could be rewarded with wild animal sex.

The vet doesn't just service horses, as it were, but other animals as well. Is it me, or do you also doubt the possibilities of turtles hurting themselves by rapid, wild sexual movements? ...And how do you collect semen from a snake? Or more accurately, from where do you collect semen from a snake?

My next thought is how big of a cup do you need to collect semen from a horse and who holds it? Also, do they have to show the horses pictures of female horses in suggestive positions or do they make horse porn for this purpose (or for exceptionally weird humans?)

Oh sure, someone is going to ruin this even further for the poor animals by telling me a human doesn't collect the semen but that it is done by some kind of a machine...or worse someone has written a software program that does it. COME ON PEOPLE! We're going to get these poor animals so ticked off at us the next thing you know they won't consent to be eaten by us anymore.

How about we examine the psyche of this woman who makes a living out of doing this thing to farm animals? Wouldn't Sigmund Freud have a field day with that? But, then, by the same token, what kind of a psycho becomes a psychiatrist?...or what kind of an...becomes a proctologist?.... or what kind of a....becomes a urologist? I think anyone who has ever divorced someone in those professions could tell you! But, alas, let us not cast aspersions...no forget that, I would.

I wonder what the female animals think of all this. Oh sure, the Jewish female animals (is that where kosher meats come from?) are happy, they no longer have to come up with the flimsy headache excuses. And this makes it easier on the one that are embarrassed by their heavy thighs, this is particularly true of the cows and the pigs. But what about the female animals in bars trying to attract a husband? They can't say, "Would you like to come up to my apartment for some coffee and who knows, maybe later my veterinarian will come over with her glove and semen cup."

Isn't it likely that the lonely sheepherder out in the hills for so long might find this whole idea of artificially inseminating his herd rather offensive...never mind. That really is a whole different subject.

Steve Yeich is a humor writer with over 25 years of experience. He has written jokes for numerous comedians who have performed on the Las Vegas strip, most notably Jay Leno and Joan Rivers. He has done various forms of script writing including for movies and TV. He has also written over 100 TV and radio commercials. To see more of his articles go to http://darnfunnyonline.com.

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In a girl's destinstion,
To increase the population,
For the next generation.
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A: Depth perception.

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Da Vinci's Notebook - My Enormous Penis

a live radio show...sung by the Da Vinci's Notebook

GHOST SEX

A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Bubba replied, 'Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said Goats.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?

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