The Art of Artificial Insemination

By Steve Yeich

Recently, I read an article in the newspaper about a veterinarian who specializes in artificially inseminating animals. Naturally, as anyone would assume that means the semen has to be collected by someone as well. The vet just happened to be a woman...not that there is anything wrong with that (apologies to Seinfeld...yes, I know that doesn't make her gay, but, really, come on.)

Is it my imagination or wouldn't that just take a whole lot of fun out of for the animal? Just think, a race horse is put out to stud after making millions of dollars for his owners by winning races and this is his reward?? He's been bragging to his buddies at the local feeding trough about all the fillies he'll be bedding soon and then he sees a woman coming at him with a glove on...please tell me she wears a glove! I guess it could be a lot worse, he could see a proctologist coming towards him as he snaps on a rubber glove like I did for my last physical, but it still just doesn't seem fair to the horse. Plus, what is it liable to do to the horse's complexion? And what about blindness?!? This is getting less and less fair the more I think about it.

The article said it is safer for the animals this way because it prevents injuries to the female...all the wild animal sex, I guess. But that was probably why the horse worked so hard to win all those races in the first place, so he could be rewarded with wild animal sex.

The vet doesn't just service horses, as it were, but other animals as well. Is it me, or do you also doubt the possibilities of turtles hurting themselves by rapid, wild sexual movements? ...And how do you collect semen from a snake? Or more accurately, from where do you collect semen from a snake?

My next thought is how big of a cup do you need to collect semen from a horse and who holds it? Also, do they have to show the horses pictures of female horses in suggestive positions or do they make horse porn for this purpose (or for exceptionally weird humans?)

Oh sure, someone is going to ruin this even further for the poor animals by telling me a human doesn't collect the semen but that it is done by some kind of a machine...or worse someone has written a software program that does it. COME ON PEOPLE! We're going to get these poor animals so ticked off at us the next thing you know they won't consent to be eaten by us anymore.

How about we examine the psyche of this woman who makes a living out of doing this thing to farm animals? Wouldn't Sigmund Freud have a field day with that? But, then, by the same token, what kind of a psycho becomes a psychiatrist?...or what kind of an...becomes a proctologist?.... or what kind of a....becomes a urologist? I think anyone who has ever divorced someone in those professions could tell you! But, alas, let us not cast aspersions...no forget that, I would.

I wonder what the female animals think of all this. Oh sure, the Jewish female animals (is that where kosher meats come from?) are happy, they no longer have to come up with the flimsy headache excuses. And this makes it easier on the one that are embarrassed by their heavy thighs, this is particularly true of the cows and the pigs. But what about the female animals in bars trying to attract a husband? They can't say, "Would you like to come up to my apartment for some coffee and who knows, maybe later my veterinarian will come over with her glove and semen cup."

Isn't it likely that the lonely sheepherder out in the hills for so long might find this whole idea of artificially inseminating his herd rather offensive...never mind. That really is a whole different subject.

Steve Yeich is a humor writer with over 25 years of experience. He has written jokes for numerous comedians who have performed on the Las Vegas strip, most notably Jay Leno and Joan Rivers. He has done various forms of script writing including for movies and TV. He has also written over 100 TV and radio commercials. To see more of his articles go to http://darnfunnyonline.com.

Top 5 Funniest Excuses Given to Bank Manager

By Alice Perterson

Banking is a serious business. Bank managers who appear to be to be cool and calm all the time are actually under a lot of pressure to satisfy their clients and to maintain a healthy and competitive work atmosphere for their team members. They are responsible for assessing and maintaining the conduct, behavior, and progress of their team.

Their juniors are well aware of the fact that the bank manager shall evaluate them. So they make sure that come up with excuses all the time, whenever they fear a reprimand or warning. The excuses that are offered are mostly lame, and very funny. Let us go through the top 5 funniest excuses given to the bank manager:

1. I was stuck up in my bathroom in the morning that is why I came late. Coming late to bank is a common situation and the bank managers have to hear lame and funny excuses about this quite often. It is interesting how people use their imagination to explain the reasons for being late. Rather they were stuck up in the bathroom, the shower head broke, or the water in the over-head tank finished when they were in the middle of their shower. Washroom-excuses are funny, and the people fabricate them.

2. I slept over my bank-assignment in the night. If you as a bank manager have assigned your team to work on audit reports at home, and when they come to the bank next morning only to inform you that they slept over their work would drive you crazy.

3. My dog crumpled all the audit reports I was working upon, and threw them in the garden. Moreover, if your team member fails to complete the assignment that you gave him he is very likely to throw the blame on his cat or dog. According to him, the poor pets would either have eaten up the financial reports of the bank, or simply crumpled them, and threw in the garden.

4. My girlfriend ditched me, and I am unable to concentrate on my work/customers. Inability to concentrate on work, or satisfy the customers are one main reason when bank managers demand an explanation from that person. A broken-hearted fellow sounds rather funny, when he declares that the reason for his absentmindedness that he was ditched!

5. My toddler was playing with my car keys last night, or I was emptying the waste bins of my home in the morning are common excuses coming from working mothers. Working mothers have real-life melodramas, and comic situations, due to their spouse/children. What sounds funny might actually be devastating for the helpless mom. One such mother went up to the bank manager, and excused to him by saying that her toddler had thrown the car keys in one of the waste-bins at home, and she was late because she had to hunt for them in the morning.

The bank manager would in most cases, not even smile upon hearing such funny excuses. He is likely to get enraged. However, if such cases occur rarely, then funny excuses become a source of entertainment for everyone in the bank.

Alice Perterson is a financial expert. To take professional advice and debt management help, contact a specialist today at his recommended website http://www.debtreleasedirect.co.uk/.

How to Be Funny - Part 2 - Change the Assumption

By Sterling Barnes

Anyone can become funny. It's really easy when you think about it. Most of the time when you are hanging out with friends or family and the laughs are flowing it is probably because someone is using the technique I'm about to share with you with even knowing it.

Whether you are in a casual setting or wanting to perform on stage is crucial that you remember that humor in its most basic form is all about expectation and surprise. Please don't forget those two words: expectation and surprise.

Your ultimate goal may not to become a stand-up comedian but if you want to get laughs then the doing this will get you much farther than you'd believe. So what is it? What's the magic secret? Well its really simple, just "Change the Assumption".

Change the Assumption? How?

Right now you might be scratching you head or wondering what exactly that means. Well in every conversation you'll ever have in your life there are things that are just naturally implied or assumed by you and the other person(s) just to keep the conversation going. These are the assumptions that you will first point out in your own mind and then change (in a funny way) in the minds of those you are with.

Start by asking yourself "what is the one word, concept or thing that is so strongly implied about the situation that everyone here probably agrees on?" Many times the assumption is so strong that no one ever even bothers to mention it out loud. It could be something that you automatically believe to be true because of the way you were raised, your social conditioning, religious beliefs or what have you.

Once you've identified the main assumption you hare halfway home because now all that you have to do is tweak that underlying assumption in your friends mind. The kicker about this is that it doesn't even have to be anything major. Sometimes a small twist or a quick quip in an unexpected (there it is again...) direction is enough.

A Quick Way to Change the Assumption:

Playfully exaggerate the opposite degree or magnitude.

If something is too hot then playfully exaggerate it being ice cold. If a woman is short (and not self-conscious about it) then you may playfully tease her about being a tall or needing someone tall for your basketball team.

I can't stress enough how important being playful is when you exaggerate. I wish I was able to bold it 100 times over because it can mean the difference between being funny or being seen as jerk (or something less PG). Another example of this is if someone is dumb or they say something dumb then you might come back with "Man that's the smartest thing you've said all day!" Or if someone is being slow and taking their sweet time about something then you might say something about them being fast or lighting the world on fire. Teasing and playfulness go hand in hand. Just remember to be light-hearted about it and exaggerate.

Are you interested in learning how to be funny?

Yes, No, Maybe?

Well what if I asked if you want to be more social, more charming and meet more of the opposite sex?

There is no better (or fun) way to do this than honing your sense of humor. Come visit us at Hungry For Humor to get pointers on how you can learn how to be funny (it really is possible) and really understand what makes people laugh.

How to Be Funny - Part 1 - Using Your Voice, Body Language, and Facial Expressions

By Sterling Barnes

Remember Chris Farley? You can learn how to be funny from him.

He was funny partly because he was loud, VERY LOUD at times. When he got amped up and on a roll not only was his voice booming but his entire body was in action. Farley was a master at physical humor.

While you may not wish to imitate his style or be nearly as animated in your own efforts to be funny it would help to pay attention to the fact that the volume of your voice and your body language, especially your facial expressions are indeed important.

Now I'm not saying that the louder you are the funnier you become, not even close. But I am saying that humor can be enhanced when you have a rapid or unexpected change in the tone of your voice. Same thing applies with speed.

Switching from a normal tone of voice to either a whisper or to a loud boom can help what you say be that much more funny. Also, speeding up or slowing down has a similar effect. A lot of it really depends on the topic you are talking about.

These are very basic points on the delivery of your message. A good delivery can save you if your material is on the bland side. It can also work wonders, put you over the top and give you rock star status when your buddies are laughing so hard they can hardly breathe. Of course this can only happen if you have both something funny to say and can actually say it in a funny way. It is possible.

Let's move on to facial expressions. Anyone who has ever told a funny story that was actually worth remembering probably did not tell it entirely with a straight face. Most of our facial expressions come naturally. Here are a few that you can try:

1. Open your eyes wide really wide - like you are shocked
2. Raise your eyebrows
3. Roll your eyes - the "whatever-I-don't-believe-you" look
4. Look out of the side of one eye
5. Shake your head - if you do this slowly and close your eyes at the same time it comes across as if you think something is sad, pitiful, or you are looking down on someone. It can be funny under the right context. (i.e. maybe you're telling a story about a bum).
6. Blow up your cheeks
7. Purse your lips - like a duck
8. Flare your nostrils
9. Cock (tilt) your head to one side - good if you are imitating someone and using a funny voice

Are you interested in learning how to be funny?

Yes, No, Maybe?

Well what if I asked if you want to be more social, more charming and meet more of the opposite sex?

There is no better (or fun) way to do this than honing your sense of humor. Come visit us at Hungry For Humor to get pointers on how you can learn how to be funny (it really is possible) and really understand what makes people laugh.

Very Funny Quotes And What They Can Teach Us

By Anton Borodko

Very funny quotes are considered by many to be just-another-sort-of-funny-stuff-around. Well, I couldn't disagree more!

Sure, there are many funny quotations that don't really teach us anything, and were designed just for that - to be funny. However, behind many of those very funny quotes lies a wisdom of ages, and we could truly learn a lot from them if we just take our time to think about it. Let's take a moment to look upon some of them - and you'll understand my point. Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days you will be right. How many times have we heard it? One? Ten? A hundred? I'd say the latter is closer to the truth. But what do we really learn from that phrase? Well, not much. We continue to live on as if we're going to live forever... Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Woody Allen

Well, I couldn't agree with that. Life can be tough sometimes, but overall - we are the ones responsible for its quality. We can make ourselves happy - AND we can make ourselves miserable, it's basically all the matter of personal choice. You see now? Even very funny quotes can make us argue and disagree about life! Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination.
Christopher Isherwoo

Well, here's something I totally back up! Believe me, folks, too much imagination can ruin it all. Been there, done that. Once you go to these thoughts- it's very hard to get back, so the basic idea is just not to think too much. And - a good doctor might be very handy from time to time, together with luck :) Here's another good one of my very funny quotes about life collection, worth thinking through: My advice to those who are about to begin, in earnest, the journey of life, is to take their heart in one hand and a club in the other.
Josh Billings

Yep, this one is also 100% right. Alas, having good heart is just not enough - we have to have that club in the other hand if we truly want to succeed. Don't use it too often, though - it's also not a very good thing to do! Finally, my favorite of very funny quotes about life - Live life to the fullest... think of all the people on the Titanic who passed up chocolate dessert. Never, EVER let go of something good in life. Miss that dessert - and you may never get anything else. Makes you think about all those limitations...maybe we are too serious? After all, as they say - Don't take life to seriously. No one gets out alive.

Want to have more fun? Visit my Really Funny Stuff Squidoo lens, and enjoy my selection of good humor!