Stop!!!!

A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway.

He started chasing after the speeder . When he got close he's saw it was a blonde woman who was actually knitting while driving.

The cop yelled, "Pull over!"

The blonde shouted back, "No! It's a sweater!"

Dementia Quiz

Below are four (4) questions and a Bonus question to test your perception, reasoning and the quickness of your logical processing.

They are stated simply so you should try to answer them instantly.
To assure the accuracy of the results, you should not take your time , but instead, answer each of them immediately... then move on to the next question

OK?



Let's find out just how clever you really are....


..
Ready? GO!!! (scroll down slowly to uncover Q's and A's )








First Question :

You are a participant in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<






Answer : If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely WRONG! If you over take the second person and you take his place, YOU are in second place!

Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?




Second Question :
I f you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~











Answer : If you answered that you are second to last, then you are ; ; ; ;WRONG again. Tell me Sunshine, how can you overtake the LAST person??


You're not very good at this, are you?




Third Question :
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 Now add 30 . Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000 . Now add 10 . What is the total?


Scroll down for the correct answer......









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~








Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100 .



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it ?
Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe....



Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2.. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono, and ??? What is the name of the fifth daughter?







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~







Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary you retard! Read the question again!








Okay, now the Bonus round,
i.e., a final chance to redeem yourself:







A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~









It's really very simple
He opens his mouth and ask for it...

Does your employer actually pay you to think??
If so Do NOT let them see your answers for this test!

PASS TH IS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!
Have a nice day, one and all.

The Italian's Trip to Canada

One day I go to Toronto and stay in a bigga hotel.

I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna
two pissa toast. She bring me only one piss.

I tella her I wanna two piss; she say, go to toilet - I say,
you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you
betta no piss on plate, you sonna ma b*tch! I don't even know
lady, she calla me somma ma b*tch.

Then I go to pharmacia with a cougha. The man he give me candy
ana tell me fa cough! - I don't even know man ana he tella me
FA COUGH!

Later I got to eat soma lunch at Ricky's Place, the waitress
she bring me spoon, a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna
fock - She tell me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no
understand, I wanna fock on table. She say you betta not fock
on table you sonna ma b*tch - I not even know lady ana she call
me sonna ma b*tch.

So, I go back to my hotel room, an there's no sheet on my bed.
I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheet, he tell me go
to toilet. So, I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on bed.
He say you betta not sheet on bed you sonna ma b*tch. I don't
even know man ana he call me sonna ma b*tch!

I go to check out of hotel and man at desk say peace to you. I
say peace on you too!, you sonna ma b*tch! - I GO BACK TO
ITALY!!!

The best prank ever. Watch everyone fall and swim for their life. CRASH!!

Drive Carefully

A blonde gets lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembers her father's advice, "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Soon a snow plow comes by, and she follows it for about 45 minutes.

Finally, the driver of the truck gets out and asks her what she is doing. She explains the advice her father had given her. The driver says, "Well, I'm done with the parking lot here at the mall, now you can follow me over to the bank."

The Muppets: Ringing of the Bells

Fire Fart

Light a candle by lighting ass gas on fire

dear santa

This song is wrong in so many ways, but you can't help but laugh.

Some of my own family members were used in this creation. Although not harmed in the making of this video, they were definitely taken advantage of. (haha, jk)

Lyrics:

Dear Santa,
This is Billy from Dallas. I would like a Big Wheel with a air-conditioning package, power-steering, CD player and also a Sony Playstation.

Dear Santa,
This is Raul from Venezuela. I want a stick. To burn for heat!

Dear Santa,
This is Jessica from Aspen. I'd like a Barbie Dream House with the electric sports car, lots of outfits and matching outfits for me, too, please!

Dear Santa,
This is Lupe from Paraguay. I want some rain. So I can stop drinking my own urine!

Dear Santa,
This is Joe from North Chicago. I want a new bike and a G.I. Joe with Kung Fu grip and grenade launcher!

Dear Santa,
This is Azi from Yemen. I want a grenade launcher.

Dear Santa,
This is Jimmy from Grenage. I want an electric train set with the whole village, and the mountains, and the tunnels, and a robot to clean my room!

Dear Santa,
This is Chang from Laos. I want an electric scooter, a surf board, roller blades, and a CD-rom player. Just kidding! I want a stick!


Dear Santa,
This is Wu-ta-ti-ta-tu from Kolkata. I want a fly swatter, one that doesn't hurt when you hit yourself in the face, and some OFF!


Dear Santa,
We are the children of the World! We want Sean Morey to be struck dead, please!! See what you could do! Even if it means I don't get that stick!

Funny fishes

A lot of funny fishing accidents and funny fishes.

The Art of Artificial Insemination

By Steve Yeich

Recently, I read an article in the newspaper about a veterinarian who specializes in artificially inseminating animals. Naturally, as anyone would assume that means the semen has to be collected by someone as well. The vet just happened to be a woman...not that there is anything wrong with that (apologies to Seinfeld...yes, I know that doesn't make her gay, but, really, come on.)

Is it my imagination or wouldn't that just take a whole lot of fun out of for the animal? Just think, a race horse is put out to stud after making millions of dollars for his owners by winning races and this is his reward?? He's been bragging to his buddies at the local feeding trough about all the fillies he'll be bedding soon and then he sees a woman coming at him with a glove on...please tell me she wears a glove! I guess it could be a lot worse, he could see a proctologist coming towards him as he snaps on a rubber glove like I did for my last physical, but it still just doesn't seem fair to the horse. Plus, what is it liable to do to the horse's complexion? And what about blindness?!? This is getting less and less fair the more I think about it.

The article said it is safer for the animals this way because it prevents injuries to the female...all the wild animal sex, I guess. But that was probably why the horse worked so hard to win all those races in the first place, so he could be rewarded with wild animal sex.

The vet doesn't just service horses, as it were, but other animals as well. Is it me, or do you also doubt the possibilities of turtles hurting themselves by rapid, wild sexual movements? ...And how do you collect semen from a snake? Or more accurately, from where do you collect semen from a snake?

My next thought is how big of a cup do you need to collect semen from a horse and who holds it? Also, do they have to show the horses pictures of female horses in suggestive positions or do they make horse porn for this purpose (or for exceptionally weird humans?)

Oh sure, someone is going to ruin this even further for the poor animals by telling me a human doesn't collect the semen but that it is done by some kind of a machine...or worse someone has written a software program that does it. COME ON PEOPLE! We're going to get these poor animals so ticked off at us the next thing you know they won't consent to be eaten by us anymore.

How about we examine the psyche of this woman who makes a living out of doing this thing to farm animals? Wouldn't Sigmund Freud have a field day with that? But, then, by the same token, what kind of a psycho becomes a psychiatrist?...or what kind of an...becomes a proctologist?.... or what kind of a....becomes a urologist? I think anyone who has ever divorced someone in those professions could tell you! But, alas, let us not cast aspersions...no forget that, I would.

I wonder what the female animals think of all this. Oh sure, the Jewish female animals (is that where kosher meats come from?) are happy, they no longer have to come up with the flimsy headache excuses. And this makes it easier on the one that are embarrassed by their heavy thighs, this is particularly true of the cows and the pigs. But what about the female animals in bars trying to attract a husband? They can't say, "Would you like to come up to my apartment for some coffee and who knows, maybe later my veterinarian will come over with her glove and semen cup."

Isn't it likely that the lonely sheepherder out in the hills for so long might find this whole idea of artificially inseminating his herd rather offensive...never mind. That really is a whole different subject.

Steve Yeich is a humor writer with over 25 years of experience. He has written jokes for numerous comedians who have performed on the Las Vegas strip, most notably Jay Leno and Joan Rivers. He has done various forms of script writing including for movies and TV. He has also written over 100 TV and radio commercials. To see more of his articles go to http://darnfunnyonline.com.

A Guy's Job

A guy sticks his location,
In a girl's destinstion,
To increase the population,
For the next generation.
Do you get my explanation?
Or do you need a demonstration?

Q: What's the only difference between ass kissing and brown nosing?

A: Depth perception.

How can you tell the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?

Snow Balls

Did you hear about the missionary that gave some cannibals their first taste of religion?

Da Vinci's Notebook - My Enormous Penis

a live radio show...sung by the Da Vinci's Notebook

GHOST SEX

A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Bubba replied, 'Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said Goats.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?

Popeye - Popeye, The Ace of Space

Father Joseph

Hot Chocolate (I Believe in Miracles)

Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the M&M factory?

She threw away all the "W&W's"

Dum Dum Dum Dum

This was this guy's first boat and he was taking it to the lake, but he
wasn't quite sure of the correct procedure for launching a boat off a ramp.

However, he figured it couldn't be that difficult to do, so he stopped by his
Union office for advice, and they just told him...

"Don't let the trailer get too deep in the water when you're launching your boat".

Well later on, he couldn't understand what they meant by that, as he just could
barely get his trailer in the water!

Here's a picture with a "thousand' words!

Your gonna love this guy!!!

Some people shouldn't be allowed to get married, have children or vote!

The American Way

Adult Riddles

Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?

A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q.. What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?

A: 45 pounds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?

A: 45 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A . They don't have balls to scratch!

Lego Batman - Robin's Babysitter

Batman wants to fight crime alone, so he hires a babysitter to watch Robin. Little does he know the babysitter is actually The Joker in disguise.

Cheap Shots

A guy walks into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender asks, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."

The bartender asks, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

A winter statistic

A winter statistic




98% OF PEOPLE SAY 'OH SHIT' BEFORE

GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM WEST VIRGINIA AND THEY SAY,

'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS!'

"Dear God, this year for Christmas, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer, Amen."