Saturday, November 28, 2009
A Geography Lesson
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe . Well developed and
open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot , relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging
but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain,
with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada,
self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet . Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge..
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts.
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe . Well developed and
open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot , relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging
but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain,
with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada,
self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet . Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge..
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Happy Thanksgiving
May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!
Monday, November 23, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Boy Finds Own Real-Life E.T.
11 year old Thomas Demming visits Today NOW! with the magical friend he hid for weeks in his bedroom closet.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Just think...
Just think...if Indians had given the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey,
we would all be having a piece of ass this Thanksgiving!!
we would all be having a piece of ass this Thanksgiving!!
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Stinky!
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
He Said / She Said
He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got
nothing to put in it
I said to him ... . . You wear pants don't you?
He said to me ... . ........ Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I
sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart
He said to me.. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery
money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.
He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,
caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.
He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge
and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to
the fridge.
nothing to put in it
I said to him ... . . You wear pants don't you?
He said to me ... . ........ Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I
sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart
He said to me.. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery
money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.
He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,
caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.
He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge
and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to
the fridge.
F +
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex.'
' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex.'
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a 'bad day'........
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
'What the hell was I thinking?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ...
I've changed my mind.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
####################################################
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
*****************************************************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky, and West Virginia)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
=====================================================
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Some Special Rubbers Just For You
A man snapped up 5,000 condoms left over from the athletes at the Olympic Village at the 2008 Beijing Olympics. That collection can now be yours, as it is one of the centerpieces of an auction of Olympic memorabilia.
More >> 5,000 Olympic Condoms For Sale
More >> 5,000 Olympic Condoms For Sale
Saturday, November 7, 2009
The Bad Senator
There once was a senator from Mass
Who drove home a most attractive lass!
Although he found her
He messed up and drowned her
And his chances for President did pass.
Who drove home a most attractive lass!
Although he found her
He messed up and drowned her
And his chances for President did pass.
Top 5 Funniest Excuses Given to Bank Manager
By Alice Perterson
Banking is a serious business. Bank managers who appear to be to be cool and calm all the time are actually under a lot of pressure to satisfy their clients and to maintain a healthy and competitive work atmosphere for their team members. They are responsible for assessing and maintaining the conduct, behavior, and progress of their team.
Their juniors are well aware of the fact that the bank manager shall evaluate them. So they make sure that come up with excuses all the time, whenever they fear a reprimand or warning. The excuses that are offered are mostly lame, and very funny. Let us go through the top 5 funniest excuses given to the bank manager:
1. I was stuck up in my bathroom in the morning that is why I came late. Coming late to bank is a common situation and the bank managers have to hear lame and funny excuses about this quite often. It is interesting how people use their imagination to explain the reasons for being late. Rather they were stuck up in the bathroom, the shower head broke, or the water in the over-head tank finished when they were in the middle of their shower. Washroom-excuses are funny, and the people fabricate them.
2. I slept over my bank-assignment in the night. If you as a bank manager have assigned your team to work on audit reports at home, and when they come to the bank next morning only to inform you that they slept over their work would drive you crazy.
3. My dog crumpled all the audit reports I was working upon, and threw them in the garden. Moreover, if your team member fails to complete the assignment that you gave him he is very likely to throw the blame on his cat or dog. According to him, the poor pets would either have eaten up the financial reports of the bank, or simply crumpled them, and threw in the garden.
4. My girlfriend ditched me, and I am unable to concentrate on my work/customers. Inability to concentrate on work, or satisfy the customers are one main reason when bank managers demand an explanation from that person. A broken-hearted fellow sounds rather funny, when he declares that the reason for his absentmindedness that he was ditched!
5. My toddler was playing with my car keys last night, or I was emptying the waste bins of my home in the morning are common excuses coming from working mothers. Working mothers have real-life melodramas, and comic situations, due to their spouse/children. What sounds funny might actually be devastating for the helpless mom. One such mother went up to the bank manager, and excused to him by saying that her toddler had thrown the car keys in one of the waste-bins at home, and she was late because she had to hunt for them in the morning.
The bank manager would in most cases, not even smile upon hearing such funny excuses. He is likely to get enraged. However, if such cases occur rarely, then funny excuses become a source of entertainment for everyone in the bank.
Alice Perterson is a financial expert. To take professional advice and debt management help, contact a specialist today at his recommended website http://www.debtreleasedirect.co.uk/.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
How to Be Funny - Part 2 - Change the Assumption
By Sterling Barnes
Anyone can become funny. It's really easy when you think about it. Most of the time when you are hanging out with friends or family and the laughs are flowing it is probably because someone is using the technique I'm about to share with you with even knowing it.
Whether you are in a casual setting or wanting to perform on stage is crucial that you remember that humor in its most basic form is all about expectation and surprise. Please don't forget those two words: expectation and surprise.
Your ultimate goal may not to become a stand-up comedian but if you want to get laughs then the doing this will get you much farther than you'd believe. So what is it? What's the magic secret? Well its really simple, just "Change the Assumption".
Change the Assumption? How?
Right now you might be scratching you head or wondering what exactly that means. Well in every conversation you'll ever have in your life there are things that are just naturally implied or assumed by you and the other person(s) just to keep the conversation going. These are the assumptions that you will first point out in your own mind and then change (in a funny way) in the minds of those you are with.
Start by asking yourself "what is the one word, concept or thing that is so strongly implied about the situation that everyone here probably agrees on?" Many times the assumption is so strong that no one ever even bothers to mention it out loud. It could be something that you automatically believe to be true because of the way you were raised, your social conditioning, religious beliefs or what have you.
Once you've identified the main assumption you hare halfway home because now all that you have to do is tweak that underlying assumption in your friends mind. The kicker about this is that it doesn't even have to be anything major. Sometimes a small twist or a quick quip in an unexpected (there it is again...) direction is enough.
A Quick Way to Change the Assumption:
Playfully exaggerate the opposite degree or magnitude.
If something is too hot then playfully exaggerate it being ice cold. If a woman is short (and not self-conscious about it) then you may playfully tease her about being a tall or needing someone tall for your basketball team.
I can't stress enough how important being playful is when you exaggerate. I wish I was able to bold it 100 times over because it can mean the difference between being funny or being seen as jerk (or something less PG). Another example of this is if someone is dumb or they say something dumb then you might come back with "Man that's the smartest thing you've said all day!" Or if someone is being slow and taking their sweet time about something then you might say something about them being fast or lighting the world on fire. Teasing and playfulness go hand in hand. Just remember to be light-hearted about it and exaggerate.
Are you interested in learning how to be funny?
Yes, No, Maybe?
Well what if I asked if you want to be more social, more charming and meet more of the opposite sex?
There is no better (or fun) way to do this than honing your sense of humor. Come visit us at Hungry For Humor to get pointers on how you can learn how to be funny (it really is possible) and really understand what makes people laugh.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Man dressed as Breathalyzer suspected of drunk driving
A 20-year-old Cincinnati man dressed as a Breathalyzer test found himself blowing into one when Oxford police picked him up on suspicion of drunk driving Halloween night.
Read more >> Man dressed as Breathalyzer suspected of drunk driving
Read more >> Man dressed as Breathalyzer suspected of drunk driving
Ten Thoughts to Ponder
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible
rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection,
make him a sandwich .
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,
teach a person to use the Internet and
they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ...
Not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when
you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals, dying of nothing..
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to Criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00,
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And Number 1
"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers;
What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Retarded Policeman 2: Officer Monkey
Before you leave mean comments, just know that our friend Ponce (the Cop) is an awesome and talented young dude who loves performing and making light of his Down syndrome. He's a smart and funny guy, and has complete awareness of his actions and decisions. And we all had a great time shooting a few episodes of "Retarded Policeman!"
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
Monday, November 2, 2009
A Dirty Joke...
My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
Lithsping???
A young blonde girl goes to the doctor for a physical. The doctor
puts his stethoscope up to the girl's chest and says, 'Big breaths...'
The girl replies, 'Yeth and I'm not even thixteen.'
puts his stethoscope up to the girl's chest and says, 'Big breaths...'
The girl replies, 'Yeth and I'm not even thixteen.'
Sunday, November 1, 2009
How to Be Funny - Part 1 - Using Your Voice, Body Language, and Facial Expressions
By Sterling Barnes
Remember Chris Farley? You can learn how to be funny from him.
Remember Chris Farley? You can learn how to be funny from him.
He was funny partly because he was loud, VERY LOUD at times. When he got amped up and on a roll not only was his voice booming but his entire body was in action. Farley was a master at physical humor.
While you may not wish to imitate his style or be nearly as animated in your own efforts to be funny it would help to pay attention to the fact that the volume of your voice and your body language, especially your facial expressions are indeed important.
Now I'm not saying that the louder you are the funnier you become, not even close. But I am saying that humor can be enhanced when you have a rapid or unexpected change in the tone of your voice. Same thing applies with speed.
Switching from a normal tone of voice to either a whisper or to a loud boom can help what you say be that much more funny. Also, speeding up or slowing down has a similar effect. A lot of it really depends on the topic you are talking about.
These are very basic points on the delivery of your message. A good delivery can save you if your material is on the bland side. It can also work wonders, put you over the top and give you rock star status when your buddies are laughing so hard they can hardly breathe. Of course this can only happen if you have both something funny to say and can actually say it in a funny way. It is possible.
Let's move on to facial expressions. Anyone who has ever told a funny story that was actually worth remembering probably did not tell it entirely with a straight face. Most of our facial expressions come naturally. Here are a few that you can try:
- Open your eyes wide really wide - like you are shocked
- Raise your eyebrows
- Roll your eyes - the "whatever-I-don't-believe-you" look
- Look out of the side of one eye
- Shake your head - if you do this slowly and close your eyes at the same time it comes across as if you think something is sad, pitiful, or you are looking down on someone. It can be funny under the right context. (i.e. maybe you're telling a story about a bum).
- Blow up your cheeks
- Purse your lips - like a duck
- Flare your nostrils
- Cock (tilt) your head to one side - good if you are imitating someone and using a funny voice
Are you interested in learning how to be funny?
Yes, No, Maybe?
Well what if I asked if you want to be more social, more charming and meet more of the opposite sex?
There is no better (or fun) way to do this than honing your sense of humor. Come visit us at Hungry For Humor to get pointers on how you can learn how to be funny (it really is possible) and really understand what makes people laugh.
Comedian Rodney Dangerfield
Here's a hilarious classic stand up routine of Rodney Dangerfield doing on of his sets from his dvd special "I Can't Take it No More" .
101 WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog."
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact..
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog."
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact..
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
A lesson that some people will never learn.
Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. "Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?"
"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.
"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted.
"No," said Johnny, "but he minded his own freakin' business."
Very Funny Quotes And What They Can Teach Us
By Anton BorodkoVery funny quotes are considered by many to be just-another-sort-of-funny-stuff-around. Well, I couldn't disagree more!
Sure, there are many funny quotations that don't really teach us anything, and were designed just for that - to be funny. However, behind many of those very funny quotes lies a wisdom of ages, and we could truly learn a lot from them if we just take our time to think about it. Let's take a moment to look upon some of them - and you'll understand my point. Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days you will be right. How many times have we heard it? One? Ten? A hundred? I'd say the latter is closer to the truth. But what do we really learn from that phrase? Well, not much. We continue to live on as if we're going to live forever... Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Woody Allen
Well, I couldn't agree with that. Life can be tough sometimes, but overall - we are the ones responsible for its quality. We can make ourselves happy - AND we can make ourselves miserable, it's basically all the matter of personal choice. You see now? Even very funny quotes can make us argue and disagree about life! Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination.
Christopher Isherwoo
Well, here's something I totally back up! Believe me, folks, too much imagination can ruin it all. Been there, done that. Once you go to these thoughts- it's very hard to get back, so the basic idea is just not to think too much. And - a good doctor might be very handy from time to time, together with luck :) Here's another good one of my very funny quotes about life collection, worth thinking through: My advice to those who are about to begin, in earnest, the journey of life, is to take their heart in one hand and a club in the other.
Josh Billings
Yep, this one is also 100% right. Alas, having good heart is just not enough - we have to have that club in the other hand if we truly want to succeed. Don't use it too often, though - it's also not a very good thing to do! Finally, my favorite of very funny quotes about life - Live life to the fullest... think of all the people on the Titanic who passed up chocolate dessert. Never, EVER let go of something good in life. Miss that dessert - and you may never get anything else. Makes you think about all those limitations...maybe we are too serious? After all, as they say - Don't take life to seriously. No one gets out alive.
Want to have more fun? Visit my Really Funny Stuff Squidoo lens, and enjoy my selection of good humor!
Lookin Good!!!
A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer,he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie!" Looking around he noticed that thebar was empty except for himself and the bartender. A few sips later thevoice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over."Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearingthese voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us.""It's the peanuts," answered the bartender. "They're complimentary."
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