Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Stop!!!!

A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway.

He started chasing after the speeder . When he got close he's saw it was a blonde woman who was actually knitting while driving.

The cop yelled, "Pull over!"

The blonde shouted back, "No! It's a sweater!"

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Dementia Quiz

Below are four (4) questions and a Bonus question to test your perception, reasoning and the quickness of your logical processing.

They are stated simply so you should try to answer them instantly.
To assure the accuracy of the results, you should not take your time , but instead, answer each of them immediately... then move on to the next question

OK?



Let's find out just how clever you really are....


..
Ready? GO!!! (scroll down slowly to uncover Q's and A's )








First Question :

You are a participant in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<






Answer : If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely WRONG! If you over take the second person and you take his place, YOU are in second place!

Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?




Second Question :
I f you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~











Answer : If you answered that you are second to last, then you are ; ; ; ;WRONG again. Tell me Sunshine, how can you overtake the LAST person??


You're not very good at this, are you?




Third Question :
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 Now add 30 . Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000 . Now add 10 . What is the total?


Scroll down for the correct answer......









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~








Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100 .



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it ?
Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe....



Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2.. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono, and ??? What is the name of the fifth daughter?







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~







Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary you retard! Read the question again!








Okay, now the Bonus round,
i.e., a final chance to redeem yourself:







A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~









It's really very simple
He opens his mouth and ask for it...

Does your employer actually pay you to think??
If so Do NOT let them see your answers for this test!

PASS TH IS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!
Have a nice day, one and all.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

The Italian's Trip to Canada

One day I go to Toronto and stay in a bigga hotel.

I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna
two pissa toast. She bring me only one piss.

I tella her I wanna two piss; she say, go to toilet - I say,
you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you
betta no piss on plate, you sonna ma b*tch! I don't even know
lady, she calla me somma ma b*tch.

Then I go to pharmacia with a cougha. The man he give me candy
ana tell me fa cough! - I don't even know man ana he tella me
FA COUGH!

Later I got to eat soma lunch at Ricky's Place, the waitress
she bring me spoon, a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna
fock - She tell me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no
understand, I wanna fock on table. She say you betta not fock
on table you sonna ma b*tch - I not even know lady ana she call
me sonna ma b*tch.

So, I go back to my hotel room, an there's no sheet on my bed.
I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheet, he tell me go
to toilet. So, I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on bed.
He say you betta not sheet on bed you sonna ma b*tch. I don't
even know man ana he call me sonna ma b*tch!

I go to check out of hotel and man at desk say peace to you. I
say peace on you too!, you sonna ma b*tch! - I GO BACK TO
ITALY!!!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Drive Carefully

A blonde gets lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembers her father's advice, "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Soon a snow plow comes by, and she follows it for about 45 minutes.

Finally, the driver of the truck gets out and asks her what she is doing. She explains the advice her father had given her. The driver says, "Well, I'm done with the parking lot here at the mall, now you can follow me over to the bank."

Sunday, December 20, 2009

The Muppets: Ringing of the Bells

Fire Fart



Light a candle by lighting ass gas on fire

dear santa



This song is wrong in so many ways, but you can't help but laugh.

Some of my own family members were used in this creation. Although not harmed in the making of this video, they were definitely taken advantage of. (haha, jk)

Lyrics:

Dear Santa,
This is Billy from Dallas. I would like a Big Wheel with a air-conditioning package, power-steering, CD player and also a Sony Playstation.

Dear Santa,
This is Raul from Venezuela. I want a stick. To burn for heat!

Dear Santa,
This is Jessica from Aspen. I'd like a Barbie Dream House with the electric sports car, lots of outfits and matching outfits for me, too, please!

Dear Santa,
This is Lupe from Paraguay. I want some rain. So I can stop drinking my own urine!

Dear Santa,
This is Joe from North Chicago. I want a new bike and a G.I. Joe with Kung Fu grip and grenade launcher!

Dear Santa,
This is Azi from Yemen. I want a grenade launcher.

Dear Santa,
This is Jimmy from Grenage. I want an electric train set with the whole village, and the mountains, and the tunnels, and a robot to clean my room!

Dear Santa,
This is Chang from Laos. I want an electric scooter, a surf board, roller blades, and a CD-rom player. Just kidding! I want a stick!


Dear Santa,
This is Wu-ta-ti-ta-tu from Kolkata. I want a fly swatter, one that doesn't hurt when you hit yourself in the face, and some OFF!


Dear Santa,
We are the children of the World! We want Sean Morey to be struck dead, please!! See what you could do! Even if it means I don't get that stick!

Funny fishes



A lot of funny fishing accidents and funny fishes.

The Art of Artificial Insemination

By Steve Yeich

Recently, I read an article in the newspaper about a veterinarian who specializes in artificially inseminating animals. Naturally, as anyone would assume that means the semen has to be collected by someone as well. The vet just happened to be a woman...not that there is anything wrong with that (apologies to Seinfeld...yes, I know that doesn't make her gay, but, really, come on.)

Is it my imagination or wouldn't that just take a whole lot of fun out of for the animal? Just think, a race horse is put out to stud after making millions of dollars for his owners by winning races and this is his reward?? He's been bragging to his buddies at the local feeding trough about all the fillies he'll be bedding soon and then he sees a woman coming at him with a glove on...please tell me she wears a glove! I guess it could be a lot worse, he could see a proctologist coming towards him as he snaps on a rubber glove like I did for my last physical, but it still just doesn't seem fair to the horse. Plus, what is it liable to do to the horse's complexion? And what about blindness?!? This is getting less and less fair the more I think about it.

The article said it is safer for the animals this way because it prevents injuries to the female...all the wild animal sex, I guess. But that was probably why the horse worked so hard to win all those races in the first place, so he could be rewarded with wild animal sex.

The vet doesn't just service horses, as it were, but other animals as well. Is it me, or do you also doubt the possibilities of turtles hurting themselves by rapid, wild sexual movements? ...And how do you collect semen from a snake? Or more accurately, from where do you collect semen from a snake?

My next thought is how big of a cup do you need to collect semen from a horse and who holds it? Also, do they have to show the horses pictures of female horses in suggestive positions or do they make horse porn for this purpose (or for exceptionally weird humans?)

Oh sure, someone is going to ruin this even further for the poor animals by telling me a human doesn't collect the semen but that it is done by some kind of a machine...or worse someone has written a software program that does it. COME ON PEOPLE! We're going to get these poor animals so ticked off at us the next thing you know they won't consent to be eaten by us anymore.

How about we examine the psyche of this woman who makes a living out of doing this thing to farm animals? Wouldn't Sigmund Freud have a field day with that? But, then, by the same token, what kind of a psycho becomes a psychiatrist?...or what kind of an...becomes a proctologist?.... or what kind of a....becomes a urologist? I think anyone who has ever divorced someone in those professions could tell you! But, alas, let us not cast aspersions...no forget that, I would.

I wonder what the female animals think of all this. Oh sure, the Jewish female animals (is that where kosher meats come from?) are happy, they no longer have to come up with the flimsy headache excuses. And this makes it easier on the one that are embarrassed by their heavy thighs, this is particularly true of the cows and the pigs. But what about the female animals in bars trying to attract a husband? They can't say, "Would you like to come up to my apartment for some coffee and who knows, maybe later my veterinarian will come over with her glove and semen cup."

Isn't it likely that the lonely sheepherder out in the hills for so long might find this whole idea of artificially inseminating his herd rather offensive...never mind. That really is a whole different subject.

Steve Yeich is a humor writer with over 25 years of experience. He has written jokes for numerous comedians who have performed on the Las Vegas strip, most notably Jay Leno and Joan Rivers. He has done various forms of script writing including for movies and TV. He has also written over 100 TV and radio commercials. To see more of his articles go to http://darnfunnyonline.com.

A Guy's Job

A guy sticks his location,
In a girl's destinstion,
To increase the population,
For the next generation.
Do you get my explanation?
Or do you need a demonstration?

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Did you hear about the missionary that gave some cannibals their first taste of religion?

Monday, December 14, 2009

Da Vinci's Notebook - My Enormous Penis



a live radio show...sung by the Da Vinci's Notebook

Friday, December 11, 2009

GHOST SEX

A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Bubba replied, 'Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said Goats.
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Father Joseph







Hot Chocolate (I Believe in Miracles)

Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the M&M factory?

She threw away all the "W&W's"

Dum Dum Dum Dum

This was this guy's first boat and he was taking it to the lake, but he
wasn't quite sure of the correct procedure for launching a boat off a ramp.

However, he figured it couldn't be that difficult to do, so he stopped by his
Union office for advice, and they just told him...

"Don't let the trailer get too deep in the water when you're launching your boat".

Well later on, he couldn't understand what they meant by that, as he just could
barely get his trailer in the water!

Here's a picture with a "thousand' words!

Your gonna love this guy!!!

Some people shouldn't be allowed to get married, have children or vote!

Monday, December 7, 2009

The American Way

Adult Riddles

Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?

A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q.. What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?

A: 45 pounds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?

A: 45 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A . They don't have balls to scratch!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Lego Batman - Robin's Babysitter



Batman wants to fight crime alone, so he hires a babysitter to watch Robin. Little does he know the babysitter is actually The Joker in disguise.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Cheap Shots

A guy walks into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender asks, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."

The bartender asks, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

A winter statistic

A winter statistic




98% OF PEOPLE SAY 'OH SHIT' BEFORE

GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM WEST VIRGINIA AND THEY SAY,

'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS!'

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

"Dear God, this year for Christmas, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer, Amen."

Saturday, November 28, 2009

David Blaine Street Magic Part 3



David Blaine Street Magic Part 3

A Geography Lesson

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN


Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe . Well developed and
open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot , relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging

but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain,

with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada,
self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet . Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge..



THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving








May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Q. Do you know what an Australian kiss is?

A. It's like a French kiss, but down under.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Boy Finds Own Real-Life E.T.



11 year old Thomas Demming visits Today NOW! with the magical friend he hid for weeks in his bedroom closet.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Just think...

Just think...if Indians had given the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey,

we would all be having a piece of ass this Thanksgiving!!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Stinky!

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.


After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....


Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Lookin Good

He Said / She Said

He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got
nothing to put in it
I said to him ... . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me ... . ........ Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I
sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

He said to me.. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery
money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,
caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.

He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge
and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to
the fridge.

F +

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a 'bad day'........




////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

'What the hell was I thinking?'



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ...

I've changed my mind.



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.



//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.



####################################################

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.



*****************************************************************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky, and West Virginia)



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.



//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?



+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.



=====================================================

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?



%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.



))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.
Yo mama's so fat that when she sees a school bus she yells, "Stop that Twinkie!"

Sunday, November 8, 2009

How does a tree get pregnant?

By a woodpecker!

Some Special Rubbers Just For You

A man snapped up 5,000 condoms left over from the athletes at the Olympic Village at the 2008 Beijing Olympics. That collection can now be yours, as it is one of the centerpieces of an auction of Olympic memorabilia.

More >> 5,000 Olympic Condoms For Sale

Saturday, November 7, 2009

The Bad Senator

There once was a senator from Mass
Who drove home a most attractive lass!
Although he found her
He messed up and drowned her
And his chances for President did pass.

Top 5 Funniest Excuses Given to Bank Manager

By Alice Perterson

Banking is a serious business. Bank managers who appear to be to be cool and calm all the time are actually under a lot of pressure to satisfy their clients and to maintain a healthy and competitive work atmosphere for their team members. They are responsible for assessing and maintaining the conduct, behavior, and progress of their team.

Their juniors are well aware of the fact that the bank manager shall evaluate them. So they make sure that come up with excuses all the time, whenever they fear a reprimand or warning. The excuses that are offered are mostly lame, and very funny. Let us go through the top 5 funniest excuses given to the bank manager:

1. I was stuck up in my bathroom in the morning that is why I came late. Coming late to bank is a common situation and the bank managers have to hear lame and funny excuses about this quite often. It is interesting how people use their imagination to explain the reasons for being late. Rather they were stuck up in the bathroom, the shower head broke, or the water in the over-head tank finished when they were in the middle of their shower. Washroom-excuses are funny, and the people fabricate them.

2. I slept over my bank-assignment in the night. If you as a bank manager have assigned your team to work on audit reports at home, and when they come to the bank next morning only to inform you that they slept over their work would drive you crazy.

3. My dog crumpled all the audit reports I was working upon, and threw them in the garden. Moreover, if your team member fails to complete the assignment that you gave him he is very likely to throw the blame on his cat or dog. According to him, the poor pets would either have eaten up the financial reports of the bank, or simply crumpled them, and threw in the garden.

4. My girlfriend ditched me, and I am unable to concentrate on my work/customers. Inability to concentrate on work, or satisfy the customers are one main reason when bank managers demand an explanation from that person. A broken-hearted fellow sounds rather funny, when he declares that the reason for his absentmindedness that he was ditched!

5. My toddler was playing with my car keys last night, or I was emptying the waste bins of my home in the morning are common excuses coming from working mothers. Working mothers have real-life melodramas, and comic situations, due to their spouse/children. What sounds funny might actually be devastating for the helpless mom. One such mother went up to the bank manager, and excused to him by saying that her toddler had thrown the car keys in one of the waste-bins at home, and she was late because she had to hunt for them in the morning.

The bank manager would in most cases, not even smile upon hearing such funny excuses. He is likely to get enraged. However, if such cases occur rarely, then funny excuses become a source of entertainment for everyone in the bank.

Alice Perterson is a financial expert. To take professional advice and debt management help, contact a specialist today at his recommended website http://www.debtreleasedirect.co.uk/.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Yo momma is so fat, she has to use a boomerang to put on her belt!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

How to Be Funny - Part 2 - Change the Assumption

By Sterling Barnes

Anyone can become funny. It's really easy when you think about it. Most of the time when you are hanging out with friends or family and the laughs are flowing it is probably because someone is using the technique I'm about to share with you with even knowing it.

Whether you are in a casual setting or wanting to perform on stage is crucial that you remember that humor in its most basic form is all about expectation and surprise. Please don't forget those two words: expectation and surprise.

Your ultimate goal may not to become a stand-up comedian but if you want to get laughs then the doing this will get you much farther than you'd believe. So what is it? What's the magic secret? Well its really simple, just "Change the Assumption".

Change the Assumption? How?

Right now you might be scratching you head or wondering what exactly that means. Well in every conversation you'll ever have in your life there are things that are just naturally implied or assumed by you and the other person(s) just to keep the conversation going. These are the assumptions that you will first point out in your own mind and then change (in a funny way) in the minds of those you are with.

Start by asking yourself "what is the one word, concept or thing that is so strongly implied about the situation that everyone here probably agrees on?" Many times the assumption is so strong that no one ever even bothers to mention it out loud. It could be something that you automatically believe to be true because of the way you were raised, your social conditioning, religious beliefs or what have you.

Once you've identified the main assumption you hare halfway home because now all that you have to do is tweak that underlying assumption in your friends mind. The kicker about this is that it doesn't even have to be anything major. Sometimes a small twist or a quick quip in an unexpected (there it is again...) direction is enough.

A Quick Way to Change the Assumption:

Playfully exaggerate the opposite degree or magnitude.

If something is too hot then playfully exaggerate it being ice cold. If a woman is short (and not self-conscious about it) then you may playfully tease her about being a tall or needing someone tall for your basketball team.

I can't stress enough how important being playful is when you exaggerate. I wish I was able to bold it 100 times over because it can mean the difference between being funny or being seen as jerk (or something less PG). Another example of this is if someone is dumb or they say something dumb then you might come back with "Man that's the smartest thing you've said all day!" Or if someone is being slow and taking their sweet time about something then you might say something about them being fast or lighting the world on fire. Teasing and playfulness go hand in hand. Just remember to be light-hearted about it and exaggerate.

Are you interested in learning how to be funny?

Yes, No, Maybe?

Well what if I asked if you want to be more social, more charming and meet more of the opposite sex?

There is no better (or fun) way to do this than honing your sense of humor. Come visit us at Hungry For Humor to get pointers on how you can learn how to be funny (it really is possible) and really understand what makes people laugh.

My Indian Name

beer

OBAMA DOES THRILLER

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Man dressed as Breathalyzer suspected of drunk driving

A 20-year-old Cincinnati man dressed as a Breathalyzer test found himself blowing into one when Oxford police picked him up on suspicion of drunk driving Halloween night.

Read more >> Man dressed as Breathalyzer suspected of drunk driving
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet."

- Fran Lebowitz

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.


Number 9

Good health is merely the slowest possible
rate at which one can die.

Number 8

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.

If you see him without an erection,
make him a sandwich .

Number 7

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,

teach a person to use the Internet and
they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6

Some people are like a Slinky
...
Not really good for anything, but you

still can't help but smile when
you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals, dying of nothing..


Number 4

All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to Criticism.


Number 3

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00,
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?


Number 2

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


And Number 1

"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers;
What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Retarded Policeman 2: Officer Monkey



Before you leave mean comments, just know that our friend Ponce (the Cop) is an awesome and talented young dude who loves performing and making light of his Down syndrome. He's a smart and funny guy, and has complete awareness of his actions and decisions. And we all had a great time shooting a few episodes of "Retarded Policeman!"

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

How did the telephone operator propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Here's a site worth checking out...

The People of Walmart

A Dirty Joke...

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

Lithsping???

A young blonde girl goes to the doctor for a physical. The doctor
puts his stethoscope up to the girl's chest and says, 'Big breaths...'
The girl replies, 'Yeth and I'm not even thixteen.'

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Why did God create man before woman?

He didn't want any advice!

How to Be Funny - Part 1 - Using Your Voice, Body Language, and Facial Expressions

By Sterling Barnes

Remember Chris Farley? You can learn how to be funny from him.

He was funny partly because he was loud, VERY LOUD at times. When he got amped up and on a roll not only was his voice booming but his entire body was in action. Farley was a master at physical humor.

While you may not wish to imitate his style or be nearly as animated in your own efforts to be funny it would help to pay attention to the fact that the volume of your voice and your body language, especially your facial expressions are indeed important.

Now I'm not saying that the louder you are the funnier you become, not even close. But I am saying that humor can be enhanced when you have a rapid or unexpected change in the tone of your voice. Same thing applies with speed.

Switching from a normal tone of voice to either a whisper or to a loud boom can help what you say be that much more funny. Also, speeding up or slowing down has a similar effect. A lot of it really depends on the topic you are talking about.

These are very basic points on the delivery of your message. A good delivery can save you if your material is on the bland side. It can also work wonders, put you over the top and give you rock star status when your buddies are laughing so hard they can hardly breathe. Of course this can only happen if you have both something funny to say and can actually say it in a funny way. It is possible.

Let's move on to facial expressions. Anyone who has ever told a funny story that was actually worth remembering probably did not tell it entirely with a straight face. Most of our facial expressions come naturally. Here are a few that you can try:

  1. Open your eyes wide really wide - like you are shocked
  2. Raise your eyebrows
  3. Roll your eyes - the "whatever-I-don't-believe-you" look
  4. Look out of the side of one eye
  5. Shake your head - if you do this slowly and close your eyes at the same time it comes across as if you think something is sad, pitiful, or you are looking down on someone. It can be funny under the right context. (i.e. maybe you're telling a story about a bum).
  6. Blow up your cheeks
  7. Purse your lips - like a duck
  8. Flare your nostrils
  9. Cock (tilt) your head to one side - good if you are imitating someone and using a funny voice

Are you interested in learning how to be funny?

Yes, No, Maybe?

Well what if I asked if you want to be more social, more charming and meet more of the opposite sex?

There is no better (or fun) way to do this than honing your sense of humor. Come visit us at Hungry For Humor to get pointers on how you can learn how to be funny (it really is possible) and really understand what makes people laugh.

Comedian Rodney Dangerfield



Here's a hilarious classic stand up routine of Rodney Dangerfield doing on of his sets from his dvd special "I Can't Take it No More" .

Bet he likes that...

101 WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog."
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact..
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Who's On First?



Abbott and Costello greatest skit.

Retarded Policeman #1: Hi

A lesson that some people will never learn.

Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. "Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?"

"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.

"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted.

"No," said Johnny, "but he minded his own freakin' business."

I see London - I see France

Very Funny Quotes And What They Can Teach Us

By Anton Borodko

Very funny quotes are considered by many to be just-another-sort-of-funny-stuff-around. Well, I couldn't disagree more!

Sure, there are many funny quotations that don't really teach us anything, and were designed just for that - to be funny. However, behind many of those very funny quotes lies a wisdom of ages, and we could truly learn a lot from them if we just take our time to think about it. Let's take a moment to look upon some of them - and you'll understand my point. Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days you will be right. How many times have we heard it? One? Ten? A hundred? I'd say the latter is closer to the truth. But what do we really learn from that phrase? Well, not much. We continue to live on as if we're going to live forever... Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Woody Allen

Well, I couldn't agree with that. Life can be tough sometimes, but overall - we are the ones responsible for its quality. We can make ourselves happy - AND we can make ourselves miserable, it's basically all the matter of personal choice. You see now? Even very funny quotes can make us argue and disagree about life! Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination.
Christopher Isherwoo

Well, here's something I totally back up! Believe me, folks, too much imagination can ruin it all. Been there, done that. Once you go to these thoughts- it's very hard to get back, so the basic idea is just not to think too much. And - a good doctor might be very handy from time to time, together with luck :) Here's another good one of my very funny quotes about life collection, worth thinking through: My advice to those who are about to begin, in earnest, the journey of life, is to take their heart in one hand and a club in the other.
Josh Billings

Yep, this one is also 100% right. Alas, having good heart is just not enough - we have to have that club in the other hand if we truly want to succeed. Don't use it too often, though - it's also not a very good thing to do! Finally, my favorite of very funny quotes about life - Live life to the fullest... think of all the people on the Titanic who passed up chocolate dessert. Never, EVER let go of something good in life. Miss that dessert - and you may never get anything else. Makes you think about all those limitations...maybe we are too serious? After all, as they say - Don't take life to seriously. No one gets out alive.

Want to have more fun? Visit my Really Funny Stuff Squidoo lens, and enjoy my selection of good humor!

Lookin Good!!!

A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer,he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie!" Looking around he noticed that thebar was empty except for himself and the bartender. A few sips later thevoice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over."Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearingthese voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us.""It's the peanuts," answered the bartender. "They're complimentary."

I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy

What To Do In A Zombie Attack



Run!!!

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Trunk Monkey Compilation




Compilation of Trunk Monkeys - a Suburban Auto Group Ad

I've got something in my pocket for you...

One day in school, the teacher decides to play 20 questions.

So the teacher says "OK kids, I am thinking of something round, and red"

Little Suzy pipes up "I know, it's a tomato".

"No but you're thinking, it's an apple" replies the teacher.

So Little Johnny stands up, places his hand in his pocket and says "I am holding onto something that is round, hard, and has a head on it"

"Go to the principals office" says the teacher.

"No but you're thinking", say Johnny, "It's a quarter"

Charlie Chaplin A DogsLife



Charlie Chaplin A Dogs Life

Happy Halloween!!


You've been Mooned!!

Fill Er Up

Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes?

The police thought it was a cereal killer.

Bill Cosby Himself Part One



funny stand up comedy show in 1983 by bill cosby

Friday, October 30, 2009

Eddie Murphy Raw



With love from Google Video. Eddie Murphy Raw.

What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Bunny farts!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Happy Tree Friends - Without a Hitch (Halloween Special)



In the dead of night, Flaky finds that unimaginable terror lurks at every turn. Fasten your seat-belts for a one way trip straight to the end of the road!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Disorder In The Court - 1936 public domain



Disorder in the Court is a 1936 short subject starring American slapstick comedy team the Three Stooges. It was the 15th in a series that the trio made more...of a total of 190 shorts for Columbia Pictures between 1934 and 1959.

What is a yankee?

A quickie, but you do it yourself.

If men had PMS, what would happen?

If men had PMS, what would happen?

a) The federal government would allocate funds to study it.
b) Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent
disability.
c) There would be a federal holiday every 28 days.
d) All of the above.

Unnessary Censorship



One Year of Unnessary Censorship

Soupy Sales with Pookie and White Fang



From Soupy Sales in Living Black and White.

Fawlty Towers - A Touch of Class - Episode 1 (Full)



Language: English (Full Fawlty Towers episodes only here - check the other posts) Comments are welcome;)

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

How To Tell If A Terrorist Is At The Airport

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, weari ng onl y what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....



Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society.

Questions Anyone?

A man phones a lawyer and asks, "How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?" The lawyer replies, "A thousand dollars." "A thousand dollars!" exclaims the man. "That's very expensive is...n't it?" "It certainly is," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"

Monday, October 19, 2009

Men strike back!



How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat
a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when
a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
-----------------------------------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

----------------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-----------------------------------------------------------


Women will never be equal to men

until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.



The Farting Contest

I'll tell you a story that is sure to please,
Of a great farting contest at Burton-on-Tease,
Where all the best farters paraded the field,
To compete in a contest for various shields.

Some tighten their bumcheeks and fart up the scale,
To compete for a cup and a barrel of ale,
Whilst others whose arseholes are biggest and strongest,
Compete in the section for loudest and longest.

Now, this year's event had drawn quite a big crowd,
And the betting was even on Mrs. McDowd,
For it had appeared in the evening edition,
That this lady's arse was in perfect condition.

Now old Mrs. Jones had a perfect backside,
Half a forest of hairs with a wart on each side,
And she fancied her chance of winning with ease,
Having trained on a diet of cabbage and peas.

The vicar arrived and ascended the stand,
And thus he addressed this remarkable band:
"The contest is on as is shown on the bills,
We've precluded the use of injections and pills."

Mrs. Bingle arrived amid roars of applause,
And promptly proceeded to pull off her drawers,
For though she'd no chance in the farting display,
She'd the prettiest bottom you'd see on this day.

Now, young Mrs. Porter was backed for a place,
Though she'd ovten been placed in the deepest disgrace,
By dropping a fart on a Sunday in church,
And disturbing the sermon of Reverend McGurch.

The ladies lined up at the signal to start,
And winning the toss, Mrs. Jones took first fart,
The people around stood in silence and wonder,
While her wireless transmitted gale warnings and thunder.

Now Mrs. McDowd reckoned nothing of this,
She'd had some weak tea and was all wind and piss,
She took up her place with her arse opened wide,
But unluckily shit and was disqualified.

Then young Mrs. Porter was called to the front,
And started by doing a wonderful stunt,
She took a deep breath, and clenching her hands,
She blew the whole roof off the popular stands.

That left Mrs. Bingle who shyly appeared,
And smiled at the clergy who lustily cheered,
And though it was reckoned her chances were small,
She ran out a winner, outfarting them all.

With hands on her hips she stood farting alone,
And the crowd stood amazed at the sweetness of tone,
And the clergy agreed without hindrance or pause,
And said, "First to Mrs. Bingle, now pull up your drawers."

But with muscles well-tensed and legs full apart,
She started a final and glorious fart,
Beginning with Chopin, and ending with Wing,
She went right up the scale to God Save the King.

She went to the rostrum with maidenly gait,
And took from the vicar a set of gold plate,
Then she turned to the vicar with sweetness sublime,
And smilingly said, "Come see me sometime."

What are the three words you don't want to hear while making love?

"Honey, I'm home!"

October 1, 2009: Moment of Zen - From Bow to Wow

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Moment of Zen - From Bow to Wow
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show
Full Episodes
Political HumorRon Paul Interview

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Three Ladies in a Sauna

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.

'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.............WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!

A Message from Lewis Black



Its Lewis Black's turn to rant about cancer.

Parrot Sketch Not Included: 20 Years of Monty Python



A compilation of Monty Python Flying Circus's greatest sketches, minus one. Hosted by Steve Martin.

Greatest freak out ever (ORIGINAL VIDEO)

Blond Dogs

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the shopping center
and rolled down the car windows to make sure my puppy had
fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I
wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I
walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car
and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? "Stay!
Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde lady, gave
me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"

How to spend stimulus money

Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive an Economic Stimulus payment.

This is a very exciting new program. I will explain it using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q.. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala .
* If you buy a car, it will go to Japan .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer or
5 tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .)

***
I'm going to go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that I met at a yard sale, and drink beer! Yay!

In God We Trust!
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head... In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

His And Hers ATMs

HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written
on it.
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse gear
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?

They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

Off The Pill - Farts



"Every time you hold in a fart, you're that much closer to killing a baby

nick thune



instant messenger song

Man vs. Wild - Eating Giant Larva



Check out Bear's Ten SCARY SURVIVAL moments: http://dsc.discovery.com/videos/man-v...

Bear Grylls eats a frighteningly large beetle larva in this clip from Man Vs. Wild.

Obama On Letterman: Explains Lipstick On A Pig Comment (Funny)



Video of Barack Obama on David Letterman, September 10, 2008, talking about the Republican charge that his reference to "lipstick on a pig" was a reference to Sarah Palin.