A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Crabs!!!
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and
asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and
proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York she used the intercom to announce to the
entire cabin:
Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your
hand?"
Not one hand went up .... So she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think. *
asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and
proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York she used the intercom to announce to the
entire cabin:
Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your
hand?"
Not one hand went up .... So she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think. *
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Beer
Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.
It was then observed that 100 % of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.
It was then observed that 100 % of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Magic Show Volunteer
Incidentally, If it was a boy, shed have named it Kreskin. Now she has no choice but to name it Terrorspawn.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
He said to me...
He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said to me . . ...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart
He said to me.. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.
He said to me. .. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.
He said to me..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said to me . . ...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart
He said to me.. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.
He said to me. .. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.
He said to me..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Comedy School - How to Learn Stand-Up Comedy
By Simon Cad
If you do decide that you want to do stand-up comedy, then you need to hone your craft. In order to do that you can go to comedy school or take lessons, you can watch other comedians, and you can practice.
If you want to be a stand-up comedian, you might consider going to comedy school. Many community colleges offer standup comedy or improvisation classes. Often these are affiliated with the theatre department of the school. Taking comedy classes is a great way to practice your techniques. Your friends may think your jokes are hilarious, but teachers and other aspiring comedians will be much more critical. It is also good to meet like-minded people who can support and encourage you in your goals.
If you want to learn comedy, one of the best ways is to watch other comedians. YouTube is a great resource for this, since you can replay and study whatever parts of a routine interest you. If you are watching other comedians, try to choose people with a style similar to yours. This will help you apply their techniques to the jokes that you already tell.
The old saying about getting to Carnegie hall by practicing is true. If you want to be good at stand-up comedy, you need to practice, practice, and then practice some more. Tell your jokes in front of a mirror. Tell them to your friends, and ask them to be honest with you. If you are going to comedy school, tell your jokes there and use your friends' feedback to improve your delivery and punchlines. Professional comedians spend many hours honing their routines before ever getting up on stage to perform.
If you want to do stand-up comedy, the road is not easy. Many people try and fail, or never get past their local nightclub. Many more people never get up the courage to even try. If you're determined to give it a shot, there are ways that you can improve your chances of success. First, consider going to comedy school. Second, watch other comedians. Third, practice your jokes.
If you're looking for more advice on comedy school or writing jokes, check out http://www.comedyschoolreview.com.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Q: Why is it so hard to replace Vanna White?
A: They can't find another blond who knows the whole alphabet.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
What is the difference between girls / women aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?
At 8: You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18: You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28: You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38: She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48: She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58: You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68: If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78: What story? What bed? Who the hell are you?
At 18: You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28: You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38: She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48: She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58: You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68: If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78: What story? What bed? Who the hell are you?
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